Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
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If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
huge valentines day plans this year!!