Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
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Become a minion. Get that bread.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
I’m fat, so when I get mad, I get massive aggressive.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.