I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
You Might Also Like
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
Me trying to reach for my goals
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.