Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
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*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
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