I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
You Might Also Like
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Sometimes I remember the child who approached my counter in the video shop, fell over and disappeared from view, pulled himself back up and said “this cat food’s weighing me down, man” before proceeding to pull five tins of whiskas out of his pockets
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one