*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
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Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
I love the National Park Service.
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*