Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
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You had me at “define legal”.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter