Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
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If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
A Lunch Poem:
Some people buy theirs in local food shops,
While others eat donuts (especially cops).Some jerks heat fish that they bring in a bag,
And stink up the kitchen, making me gag.Me? I’ll check the fridge on a hunch
That Glenn from Accounting brought a good lunch.
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.