i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
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Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad