My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
It’s bullshit that retirement homes have a minimum age. Being old and feeble is a mindset, let me in
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
Kentucky names the shit out of places
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom