If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
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As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
🏙👨🏼
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.