The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
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4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Me: Did we get a bunch of new cups?
Wife: No. Our daughter brought them all down from her room.
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Writing, She Murdered.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.