[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
When I’d go to church as a kid I’d always wonder why there were so many seats reserved for Usher
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice