Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
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College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Close call…
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.