I wish I was a better person
genie: kind of a low bar but ok
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Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.