I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
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The human body is 70% water and 30% land
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
This is amazing.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer