Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
You Might Also Like
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.