[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
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[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
This kid will have a bright future.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital