My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
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Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler