Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
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I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
The dark side of Canada
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.