Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
You Might Also Like
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on