I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
My patronus is a cheeseburger
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.