another case of gang violins
You Might Also Like
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.