Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?