People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.