Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
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My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Why did we stop at bread bowls? Make the whole kitchen out of bread, you cowards!
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
Shit. My neighbor told me her name thirty minutes ago. You guys, what was it?
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant