Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
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Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Florida be like…
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Proctology is located in A55
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit