Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
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*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer