In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
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Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
I don’t get marriage
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
March 2020: I’m going to take this time and learn to paint.
November 2020: Wow. I didn’t think you could get to the end of Netflix.
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah