Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
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My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club