Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
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Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[Dramatically turning from the jukebox and flipping my collar]
“May I have this dance?”
[Who Let The Dogs Out starts blaring]
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.