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Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
What the hell happened in there??
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized