Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
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Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
i choose….tongue
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.