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Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
This kinda thing happens to me often
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”