I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
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Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ