me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
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When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.