THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
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I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’