can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
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THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
*jazz hands*
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying