ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
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Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.