IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
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There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
They’re stuck in your pants?
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.