I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
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A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Mmmm canned fish.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”