was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
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Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
This raises questions