I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
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Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
this is how life feels
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim