Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
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Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
#parenting
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.