“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
You Might Also Like
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Squash
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
same bro
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
My brain is a bad influence on me
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
LMAO
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Mmmm. Shoeshi