wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
You Might Also Like
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
March 16
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?