Science memes
You Might Also Like
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Rather alarming headline…
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Every time we go out as a family, my wife spends half the time yelling “What did we talk about before we left home?” She even says it to the kids.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Ah yes. The three genders
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts