This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 馃槵
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“Dad, I don’t feel good.”
“Do you want to go see the doctor?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you gonna throw up?”
“Maybe.”
“OK. We’ll take your mom’s car.”
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you鈥檝e got plans to do something fun this weekend.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What鈥檚 that like?
M: It鈥檚 a gas
The only way I鈥檇 be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
keep scrolling I鈥檝e got nothing.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED