[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
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Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.