Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
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Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
[calling work after accidentally tapping the switch that adjusts the driver’s seat] yeah im gonna be a few hours late
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
two people or more is called a problem
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon